I love talking about the birth of Xavier. It's because I am proud of myself. I survived child birth! It's something all moms should be really proud of. He came late but right on time for me. By the time my due date arrived I didn't feel ready to have a baby just yet. I was more scared than ready. But he had to come out some time and I knew I didn't want to have a c-sec. In the end he came at the most perfect time and in the greatest way.
Six days late on Thursday, the first of July I started feeling what I think were contractions when I woke up in the morning (around 3:30 am) they weren't anything impressive and left the me feeling anxious rather than in pain. Being a first time mom is exactly what the title entails "first time". Everything is felt for the first time and I only realised it was contractions once it was all over with and I had time to consider the happenings of the day. At around 3:30 pm I started feeling proper contractions. And once again I had no idea at the time that I was actually feeling them. I kept thinking "is this a contraction?". They really should invent a take home machine that can tell you for sure. We waited until we were fairly sure that they were contractions and then called the hospital who told me to wait until the contractions were closer and then to come.
We eventually left for the hospital thinking. wow this is it, tomorrow there will be a baby in this world where there was none. You can't really imagine what something can be like until it actually happens, I think its that "first time" phenomena. After the first time you don't have to imagine because you and the experience have a history together. Once I arrived at the hospital, I didn't enjoy my experience in the "Birthing Assessment Unit" at the Mater. We got there at 7 pm, at which stage my contractions were getting closer and closer but the midwife said that I was only 4cm dilated and may have to go to my hospital room before the birthing suite. Which I thought was ridiculous and just wanted to get on the epidural already. All requests for the epidural I planned for and asked for on numerous occasions when we were in the suite were rejected. I cant remember the reasons for the life of me. Was it because it was to soon? Either way it was a stupid reason. I mean that is why I have private health insurance so I can have an epidural as soon as I want. I googled it while waiting in the assessment unit, and they said it can be given whenever because it is regulated by a drip. And googling is accurate! And yes I did say when I was at the assessment unit.
In the room they had a wonderful machine that measured every contraction and Xavier's heart beat, which we could hear. It was amazing and for the first hour I was in there I was very fascinated by it. But by 8 pm I was able to feel when my own contractions were coming and didn't need a machine to tell me. One thing that did surprise me was Xavier's movements throughout. He kept kicking me right up to the very end. Before each contraction would come I would feel him kick, like he was letting me know that it was happening. His kicking made the contractions more intense and with every one I could see my stomach move.
By 10 pm I was in a lot of pain and wanted pain killers immediately. At that stage they hadnt even given me gas. I was really annoyed but I let it go over my head because I didnt want to stress myself out and cause my body more stress. Claeton throughout the night was doing a marvelous job of helping me, talking to me and talking to the nurses when ever he could. Eventually he even told one off because they weren't giving me pain killers. The midwife eventually offered and then gave me pethidene (of course I said yes, I was in pain!). The pethidine just made me want to close my eyes, in a non-sleepy way but didnt take away the pain at all, and all the while my contractions were increasingly getting worse by the minute. By 10:15 we asked the nurse to check me again. For some reason she had to ask for permission before checking me and by the time she checked I had dilated to 7 cm.
In between that time and moving to the birthing suite is very hazy for me. I remember telling the midwife that I feel like I need to push, and then I felt a trickle of water down my leg, which I apologised for. Clearly the pethidene was doing something just not taking the pain away because I didn't realise that the "water" was my water breaking. She must have realised because she then moved me the birthing suite where we sat for another 15 minutes waiting for someone, anyone!, to arrive. 15 minutes may not be long in a normal day but during labour and when contractions are less than a minute apart, it is very long and too long to spend waiting for an epi. Although, I think that I got gas when she took me there and I was relieved for it. I definitely wasn't sucking on it properly because I kept taking it out of my mouth when I breathed out. The contractions were very strong though and it was difficult for me to breath in and out let alone put something in my mouth and suck on it continuously.
The gas was something I had never experienced before either. I would describe the feeling it gave me as me being put in a bubble while my thoughts talked out loud. It really didn't help with the pain at all though but gave me something to concentrate on instead of thinking about the next contraction. The contractions were basically all I could think about besides imagining myself as an unclenching fist.
Claeton said I didn't do or say anything out of the ordinary for the circumstance but said I was quiet for most of the birth. Which is different compared to what we see on TV I suppose. From my view the gas made my thoughts loud. As if I was thinking out loud but no-one could hear me and at the same I was saying things I didn't want to say out loud and made a conscious effort not to say out loud. It's is probably the reason I was quiet because most of the things in my head were for me only at that time. One thought I kept repeating was that I was too tense and that I need to relax. At our post-natal classes the midwife said that we should imagine a closed fist. If an hand is clenched then nothing can get into or out of it but if it is open then opposite is true. So basically I was visualising myself as a clenched fist trying to open. That way Xavier could come out of me easier. It must have worked because he was out in an hour. Then again the fact that my contractions were 10 seconds apart could also have something to do with it.
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Eventually a nurse came by and we asked for the epi again, to which she said that the anaesthetist was just with another patient and would be in shortly. Then another nurse came in and Clae asked her again for the epi, to which she ignored him and asked me directly if I wanted one, to which I gave her a stoney YES. She then asked if she could check and see how far I was, as I may not have time for the epi. I was so annoyed then, but lucky for her a contraction stopped my annoyance right in its tracks and I said thats fine. She then looked and said, "aha" the baby is coming and that she could see the head. She showed Clae and he agreed, saying he can see his head of hair. So it was time to push. At that point I didnt care that I wasnt having an epi, my body was telling me to push and I just wanted to push.
During labour Claeton, the nurses and Dr Bretz were very reassuring. They would tell me when and how to push and say how great I was doing. One nurse thought that it was so good that she offered a mirror so I could see the head coming out. I politely said no thank you. But my inside voice was loudly saying "are you insane, I can feel it I don't have to see it!".
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An hour later, Xavier arrived. The only part that was painful besides the contractions was when he started to crown. The doctor ( Dr Paul Bretz,OB) told me to stop pushing at that point which was hard to do because I just wanted the burning to stop! Eventually I was able to do that extra little push and out came Xavier. Born 11:45 pm. He was pretty determined to be born on the first and made it with 15 minutes to spare.
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There were minor complications, because of the fast delivery (which felt like ages) Xavier got a fright and pooed on the way out of me and there was meconium everywhere. He also had to be expirated to make sure his lungs filled with air. There were some concerns that he may have breathed in the meconium which could cause an infection in his lungs but the pediatrician came by and OK'd him after making sure he was getting enough oxygen on his own. I also had to be put on a drip because I had a fever, which they thought may also be an infection. In the end I was OK and the high temperature was just due to a quick hard labour.
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After Xavier was born, I felt exhausted. It may have been because of the late hour as well as the stress and hard work of labour but I just wanted to go to sleep and I wanted to wake up clean with baby lying in the crib beside me (and since we are talking about wishing, maybe be the same weight I was when I first fell pregnant?). Alas that would have been in dream world, or maybe heaven, but definitely not in this world! I had to get up, and do as I would normally do. Have a shower get dressed and get to bed as if it was a normal day. Even though it clearly was not!
In the end I not only survived an unimaginable circumstance but I am certain that I rocked it. How could I not have? Xavier was perfect when he arrived and is perfect every second I spend with him. I am in awe of him when he is awake, I miss him when he is asleep and am grateful for every experience that has lead me to everyday I spend with him.
Its true love.
